In a blog post my friend Andrea posted today, she mentioned the frustration that lies in the phrase, "Choose to be happy." From the first time I considered these words, I’ve agreed that, yes, individuals are responsible for their own happiness and that, in theory, happiness is a choice.
This statement is misleading because it makes it sound like choosing to be happy is a discrete, singular, and/or recurring event. I'm not sure if that’s true. Rather, happiness is a result of choice, or an amalgamation of choices1.
I know that when I'm depressed I'm completely incapable of choosing to be happy in any given moment. Be happy, Myke, doesn’t work. And when I’m not depressed, when I’m simply sad or angry, deciding to be happy in that moment may not be the best idea. There’s a quote from Weakness Is Not Sin that explains this better than I can:
When we accept our own emotional states with calmness, curiosity, and compassion, we can learn from our feelings and let them go. When we get ashamed of our feelings and go overboard trying to suppress or get rid of them, we often make them worse. People who can feel, name, and reflect on their emotions tend to be much better at accepting them, learning from them, and then releasing them. (p. 81)
When I’m sad or angry, I find that when I acknowledge and experience that emotion—to do what’s necessary to really feel it—to cry, hit a punching bag, go for a run—I can then let it go and be happy. (Granted, letting myself experience an emotion and knowing when to let it go is so much easier said than done.) If I tell myself, Just be happy, Myke, I end up shoving those feelings into some recess where they fester, multiply, and return with vengeance.
Do I want to be happy? Absolutely. But perhaps more than that, I want to experience—and I mean really experience—the normal range of healthy human emotions, feelings, and senses: anger, sadness, joy, awe, grief, excitement, wonder, love, frustration. Feeling those emotions, being present to those senses, means that I am living my life. And living my life is how I choose to be happy.
1I am certainly not an expert on happiness and would not be surprised to see myself modifying this statement in the future.
P.S. I'm not saying that others can't choose to be happy in any given moment. I'm only sharing what works for me.
Thanks for posting this, Myke. I agree.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I hate commenting on your blog, because all I have to say is that I completely agree. But, I do. So I'm commenting anyway.
ReplyDeleteI've always had an issue with people telling me you can just "choose" happiness. I'm sure that many people can, and it's hard to understand depression or anxiety if you've never experienced it, so I can't be angry at people for telling me that not being happy is a choice (although occasionally I am very stubbornly choosing not to be happy).
You hit it spot on-even if I'm NOT happy, I'm ok with that, because of the experience I gain from it. Anyway, excellent post, as always.
I like your point about not getting angry with those who remind us that happiness is a choice. They have our best interests at heart and are as deserving of patience and compassion as we are.
DeleteI really love this post. I think it is necessary to honor our emotions. I remember hearing that if we look to the Savior's life we would find that emotions are good. He honored his emotions. He was angry, he wept, he loved, he felt empathy, etc.
ReplyDeleteFrued, who I don't usually agree with or often quote said "Unexpressed emotions will never die. They are buried alive and will come forth later in uglier ways."
"I remember hearing that if we look to the Savior's life we would find that emotions are good. He honored his emotions. He was angry, he wept, he loved, he felt empathy, etc." I love that. That gives me a new lens to look through as I read the scriptures. Thanks for sharing that.
DeleteThis is something I've only recently just began to learn about myself. I can't just say I'm "fine" or put on a happy facade and expect frustrated/not happy/raw emotions to just disappear. For me, they definitely build up. This is such good advice to "acknowledge and experience" these emotions*. For some reason, our society often makes it seem bad to cry, be angry, be sad ...basically anything that isn't happy -At least, that's how I always felt (often, I still do).
ReplyDelete*I wonder if this has anything to do with how it feels so good to vent?
I think that's exactly why it feels so good to vent: we get to name, acknowledge, and experience our feelings, and emotionally connect with someone while we do.
DeleteHappiness is very often just a chemical reaction in the brain. That's why some people have a predilection towards happiness, and some people are clinically depressed. I find it a little insensitive when people suggest that happiness is a choice.
ReplyDeleteObviously, there are ways to influence your mood. I think certain activities may temporarily change the chemical balance in your brain (that's why we experience things like euphoria, and addictions produce highs and lows).